While recognizing our contributions to both art, science, politics, metaphysics, and embracing our fetishes, and publically celebrating our kink, and in many ways being pioneers on most of those fronts, the focus remains centered on who we have sex with and viewing ourselves almost totally through the lens of our bodies or through the lens of what prestige we hold in the hetero world of career and profession. In our 20s and 30s our homones are raging and spewing forth, egos developing, boundaries challenged and probed, social skills tested, sex and sexual positions explored, and flirtateousness enjoyed. Posing and posturing in bars, on street corners, in cafes, bathhouses, gyms, online and anywhere else we can get recognition is much of the past time and prideful enjoyment of having “come out” of that closet of solitude and isolation into the light of day, and hopefully, the embrace of another man or other men. All of the above activity is important and necessary for our own individual development as men. Yet, isn’t it time to move on from measuring the worth of one another and ourselves by our physique?

I sense, perhaps as a byproduct of my own aging process, that there must be something more grounded and just as enjoyable than simply and only being seen as sexually desirable. What the Rainbow Flag has most represented is sexual freedom and the freedom to be recognized as ‘equals’ among men. The Rainbow Flag can symbolize more. I think we need a new paradigm to live out and be proud of besides sexual freedom.

What would a new paradigm look like, feel like, focus upon? Some of the elements of the new paradigm, for me, are vulnerability versus intransigence, safety versus controlling, responsibility versus manipulation, authenticity versus wearing masks, courage versus shame. As gay men we have something profound to offer to the heterosexual world, especially to the world of other men. It’s time we explored, clarified, defined, and “shouted out” what that is or may be for us.

In the developmental stage of boys it’s imperative that the boy separate from his mother. Many a boy goes at great length to declare his independence from his mother by becoming hyper-masculine, rejecting all that smacks of femininity. If he brings this endeavor into adulthood, he demonstrates an aloofness, a disconnect, from all that is stereotypically feminine, such as expressing vulnerability, feelings of tenderness and compassion, any leanings toward whatever may be interpreted by other men (or women) as feminine characteristics or values. He may even set the feminine as something to be honored and cherished, but not imitated.

This separation from “mother” and the feminine is also entered into by gay boys to create their own identity and form of masculinity. The drive to reject or stand in opposition to anything feminine, but not always, is also on the agenda of most gay boys. There are effeminate men, who are heterosexual, but the stereotypical description of gay men is that that we are all effeminate. Though this stereotype is gradually breaking down, there are many gay men who go out of their way to state they are “straight-acting”, enjoy sports, are into muscles, control, Domination, etc. They seem to go out of their way to declare that they indeed are masculine and protest loudly if they are ‘accused’ of being swishy or sissy or anything that would indicate any femininity within them. There are other gay men who delight in being overly feminine in appearance as well as behavior and in their use of language. They may seem “in your face” about being ‘different’ and want everyone to know it.

It is, in my view, the gay man who embodies with pride his feminine and masculine qualities that speaks loudly to both extremes of gay men as well as of straight men. Perhaps the best ‘label’ that speaks to those of us who are gay is “two spirited”, embodying the best of both genders, though this label has it’s own drawbacks as well. “Two-spirited” in Native American traditions speaks of a man who dresses as a woman (e.g. “berdache”) and, therefore, does not include all of us gay men. Perhaps focusing on the harmonious and integrated relationship between the two extremes of masculinity and femininity doesn’t have a name/label yet. I don’t see us as a third gender, but a synthesis of the two genders as men. Unpacking this disarray of possibilities isn’t going to be easy. Yet, we must move forward in defining who we are with clarity and courage. Who are we as men?

The Old Paradigm

In the old paradim the emphasis has been placed upon “coming out” and standing tall, speaking our truth about our sexual orientation, sometimes discreetly, sometimes boldly. Likewise, the emphasis has been on our physicality, what is physically attractive about another man. So, we have formed various subgroupings within the so-called ‘gay community’: bears, twinks, jocks, gym rats, leathermen with added emphasis on penis size, balls, bubble butt, pecs, biceps. Another obvious focus has been on having as much sex as you desire. The final focus has been on finding a life-long partner as if this is the goal of ‘every gay man’.

A New Paradigm

If we were to follow a new paradigm, what would it contain? What would it speak to about who we are?

Vulnerability versus Intransigence

Vulneraility has typically been ascribed to females. Vulnerability is seen as a weakness to be avoided at all cost by many, if not most, men. Gay men have too often been hypersensitive to being found ‘vulnerable’, like most men. We become hypercritical when any form of ‘criticism’ comes our way, whether it is deserving or not. We seem to be wired to ‘jump’ and defend ourselves in ways that straight men don’t have to bare. This is understandable! In many circles if we are ‘found out’, we will be ridiculed, bullied, lose our jobs and housing, and hospitalized or murdered. So, it makes perfect sense that we would be hypersensitive to our surroundings, ever on the watch for harm coming our way, even from other gay men.

Emotionally too many of us have tended to be rigid, intransigent, and fear-based. A new paradigm calls us out of that stance, that posture of fear and shame, into one of self-awareness, and being able to be vulnerable in the expression of our feelings, our fears, our hopes, our desires with one another at least.

Safety versus Controlling

“Curiosity comes out of a sense of safety, regidity out of being vigilant to threats.” (Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson) It’s paramount that we find ways to create safety for each other with each other. Instead of controlling, hiding or fleeing from our feelings and those of others, we simply express them with sensitivity and respect. Why is it that it seems so many gay men fear intimacy? Because we don’t know how to create emotional safety for ourselves and with others. Rather than fear rejection, abandonment, ridicule from other gay men, we may come to realize that discovering what another man is like is creating safety for each other.

Responsibility versus Manipulation

How many times have you read an online profile, seen an online photo, of someone and then discover the profile doesn’t speak to who they are, and the photo was of many years earlier? How many times have you been ‘stood up’ by a guy who ‘no showed’, or keeps chatting, chatting, chatting and never makes a commitment to meet in person? How many times have you made commitments and the other man never follows through on what he has promised? Is this simply fear and shame, or something else? It speaks volumes about taking out ability to take responsibility for one’s self.

Authenticity versus Wearing Masks

If I am going to be authentic, it will demand courage as well as self-awareness. Courage to simply be myself, warts and all, and make a commitment for change where change is needed and wanted. We all wear masks in our lives, testing out the turf, testing out whether or not revealing who we are to another is safe, finding out if the other person can be trusted with seeing who I am. It seems that too often when we drop our masks and let another man into our private space, it is not safe. Gossip too often rules the way we treat each other! One-upsmanship, ‘get him before he gets me’, that macho competitiveness that rules the heterosexual male world continues to reign in our own gay male world.

Courage versus Shame

Shame is feeling exposed, found out, discovered as unacceptable. Courage is facing our fears and addressing them. Why live in shame, and perhaps not even being aware of the fact that it is shame ruling our lives? Building up each other’s self-esteem, challenging and affirming what is our best rather than what is our weakness may be a very new way of relating to one another if we see each other as human and not simply as a possible sex object, play partner.

Emotional Closeness

Many of us have close friends who we can rely upon, who we trust, who are safe for us to be around. Many of us have men in our lives who look at us as more than simply “gay”, but as men who deserve to love and be loved. It takes a definite level of trust to get emotionally close to another person, to another man. It takes honesty, loyalty, self-awareness, and the courage to live from our core and authentically. Perhaps we don’t know how “to do it”, how to build up safe bonds of trust with another, so we take the easier, most often treaded road of sex with “NSA” than to do the hard work of self-discovery with another!

Whether we are bottoms, tops, versatile when it comes to sex, and sex is indeed extremely important, isn’t it far greater to be with a man/men who is emotionally available and is capable of love and authenticity.

I am very interested in hearing what you have to say about what elements you believe would form the foundation of a new paradigm to follow proudly as “gay” MEN.

Not all our dreams are dashed, nor all traumas unresolved, but our family stores tell more about us, no matter what our age is now, than we sometimes may wish to admit. I’ll come back to how this relates to our sexuality and to the “vibes” we are sending out.

It’s a scientific ‘given’ that we are energy. Physics has long ago revealed this. By various names – chi, prana, ki – is energy embodied! We generate and channel our energy by the way we live as embodied beings. Bring this to the level of our affect (our human emotions), and it is clear that, when our body experiences blockages (negative emotions) to the natural flow of energy, we get stuck, cramped, and debilitated, physically and emotionally.

I equate our life energy with our sexual energy. Our sexual energy connects us with, aligns us with, all sentient beings. What differentiates our life energy, our sexual energy, other animals is our intellience, but specifically our ability to make intentions, to become self-aware, to use our energy for our maximum benefit serving our best interests, and therefore, the best interests of others.

When we are self-aware, we create our lives in healthy, satisfying, fulfilling ways, all of which get lived out within a social context, in relationship with others. That’s where the rub of the dance occurs! In relationship with others as well as with ourselves.

How self-aware we are will make or break our relationships. We will either drown in fear and/or shame, seek excitement without joy, arousal without long-lasting satisfaction, disgust and despair or a combination of enjoyment and excitement. We experience a mix of all of these affects (enjoyment, excitement, fear, shame) at various levels and in various periods in our lives. Flowing in this energy is the natural way of being for us humans. It is in energetic relationships with ourselves and others that we discover what is happening within us (beliefs, feelings, self-assessments, judgments, dreams, fantasies). We can direct our energy in ways that meet our interests or circumvent them.

We are energy → emotions/affects → beliefs about ourselves/relationships/world =
our ways of living.

Chakras
Our energy dances back and forth from our root to our heart, from our head to our root, to our sacral, to our head, to our heart…. The twists and turns go on and on, recycling, and resolving, opening up, and developing who we are inside, and obviously, who we are outside (relationships).  If our voice chakra is closed, we find it difficult to ask for what is wanted or needed, and difficult if not impossible to speak out truth. If our heart chakra is closed or only partially open, we may find ourselves numb to receiving or giving love freely. If our solar plexus chakra (power) is shut down with shame and fear, we will struggle with identifying healthy boundaries, being assertive, and relating as an equal to others.

Breathing generates and channels our energy, affects/emotions, thoughts.
When our breathing is shallow (only in our chests), we are not allowing the easy flow of our energy. When our beliefs about ourselves become rigid and locked in, there is a consequent block to our energy. When we have experienced a trauma experience, our energy system becomes locked and constricted as well. All these result in a dis-connected mode where our energy is not flowing freely. We may often feel disconnected from our own power, sensuality, sexuality.

There have been a myriad number of individuals who have discovered ways to activate, re-activate, direct, and heal the energy flow of our bodies. Wilhelm Reich (orgasmic energy), Eugene Gendlin (Focusing Meditation), Peter A. Levine (Trauma), Gary Craig (Emotional Freedom Technique), and body-centered methods such as yoga and neurofeedback. A host of others have given us methods to energize and re-connect with the energy of our bodies.

When we are living mindfully within our bodies, we can access, not simply our memories, but also new ways of relating to ourselves and others. We become more re-sponsive (re-sponsible) to the options we have before us, options we have not been previously conscious of. What we discover is that with self-awareness comes personal growth. When I become aware of the inner workings of my body and mind, I discover insights, strength, courage, release, and ways of creating for myself a fully embodied life. The benefits range from a healthy, active sex life, to a humility based on awareness of my limitations and my ability to draw upon my inner strengths and skills. My choices become more grounded in and flow from who I am at the core! As a result I can live more authentically.

I can pursue a life of ‘excitement’ with its never ending cycle of new experiences. I can choose a life driven by fear and/or shame and remain stuck in the morass of self-pity and resentments. Or, I can pursue a life of enjoyment, seek out others who want the same in their lives, take risks and overcome challenges safely which enable me to attain a deeper appreciation of who I am.

Where does this lead me personally? For years I have wondered what it is that gives me joy. Joseph Campbell stated “Follow your bliss”. I wondered what my “bliss” was that I was to follow. For the first time in my life I feel most fully aligned with who I am and what I do. I will be 65 years of age in April. Damn, it’s taken me a long time to get here! But, then, I look back at my life and see the common thread in all the systems, careers, ways of living I’ve sought out and followed.

That common thread for me is “imagination”. What is yours? It has taken me this long because I have followed the paths that have led me here, and my imagination has been there at every step of the way! And, in each stage of my life I have been drawn to others and to new ways of using my imagination. Yes, there was no circumventing this path. I believe I had to go through what I went through to get me to the moment when I can say: “I’m following my bliss now.” Or, as the singer Aaron Neville once sang: “I am who I am today because of where I’ve been.”

In the adult years I sought out the grounding and centering of my ego! I did what I thought I needed to do to climb the ladder of ‘success’, but each time I worked my way up, I stumbled and fell. I didn’t meet my external chosen goal. Actually, I now know I sabotaged myself. I knew internally that this path I was taking was not mine! What should have given me the major clue was my drinking to numb the misery I was experiencing. It took a major slap to bring me to my “senses” and ask for help. But, even in sobriety, I continued to follow a path that I thought I was meant to engage. I did that and it was most helpful, but it still wasn’t ME. Then, another fall, figuratively speaking, and I was down on my ass again. This time, I followed my inner voice! I followed what some would say were my spirit guides. Whatever you want to name that inner voice, I followed it and it led me to a ‘match’.

Now, I continue on this path, exploring energy, meeting like-spirited men and women, reading and learning about the various ways that can help me and other men to live authentic, emotionally available, and sexually vibrant lives. There are no straight lines in nature. We are part of nature. There are no straight lines in our lives.

It is incumbent upon us, you and me, to listen to what the voices within us have to say. Not the negative, energy draining voicces, but those voices that uplift us and guide us toward our “bliss”, our authenticity, our integrity. Whatever it is we may be facing in our lives in relationships, we can be true to ourselves. Not only can we, but we must explore our sexual energy in ways that resonates in our core, safely and sanely, and hold no debilitating shame or fear in doing so. We do not have to follow the stereotypical ways of being men, whether we are gay, straight, bisexual, or trans! We can create our own identity based on our own core values, not those of others; but rather on our own desire to be whole and true to ourselves. We will come to know others who are on a similar path and draw inspiration from them, engage in a sacred comaraderie with them. In them we will find our “brothers”. And, we will discover peace of mind, a flowing of our energy, a respect for ourselves, and the strength to live in our bliss.

Now back to our family life. It is within our familiar environment that we become mapped, sexually as well as emotionally. From the moment we’re born to the moment when we have our first orgasm, from those preverbal days to when we start to identify what emotions are happening within us by name and start to plan how we want to resolve any mishaps and move forward in our lives. It is only in articulating our family stories that we come to see and acknowledge those belief patterns that have been running or directing our lives. It is in telling our stories in detail, being specific, that we come to realize beliefs we want to shed and which beliefs resonate with our core energy as authentically ours. It’s then, if we have the courage aka balls, that we delve deeply into our bodies and listen.

What a fabric we can then unravel! What a fabric we can design anew! But, it does take courage to step out into the light and tell those stories. It takes someone else with us who can witness our revelations and hold that space as safe and sacred for us as we do so. It takes trust and a willingnes, giving ourselves permission to ‘speak our truth’, to become vulnerable enough to reveal the details and share with that other how and why we want to create anew our belief patterns. It is in this particular moment that we are welcomed, recognized, heard, and accepted for simply who we are – first and foremost by ourselves! Wow! What a life worth living!

www.transitionpower.com

For the introvert living in an extravert society, it’s pure hell. We all want to “fit in” somehow, some way. The decisions we make ultimately determines how we “fit in” that will make or break us, bring us satisfaction or harm, enjoyment or sadness, or enable us to attain the acceptance we are seeking. Everyone wants and needs to belong! Being gay we presume that other gay men will want us to belong with them. And, then, we do not encounter such a welcome.

We want approval, validation, at least affirmation from parents, teachers, peers, friends, bosses, and every other form of authority figure, as well as later in life from lovers, too often, too much. Yet, as a child, we are dependent on receiving friendly encouragement if we are to live a life that is grounded in healthy self-esteem instead of shame. Too often such affirmation is greatly lacking in families and institutions. A child expects it to be abundant. A child oftens finds it lacking.

Too often fathers compete with sons rather than see the son for who he is and what talents he has, what needs he holds. He seeks encouragement in being true to his own self. Instead, we get ribbing and sarcasm and ridicule for not “measuring up” to dad’s expectations (or mother’s). We receive abuse and sometimes even sexual molestation. Too often the kid who is “different” than the rest of his siblings and peers is shunned and bullied by his parents, peers as well as by his teachers. Too often, if we work in any kind of corporation, the ‘playing field’ is one of competition, not camaraderie and trust. We ‘play’ to win. We work to ‘get ahead’. We study to be ‘the best’. We keep attempting to measure up to a standard that is outside of ourselves, rather than from our insides. And, too often, we lose our way and end up wondering who the hell we are after we have become encrusted or armored with all these expectations from others!

I sent off for Mr. Atlas muscle building program when I was young.
Knowing it may be taboo, I sent for it secretly and would hover near
the mailbox waiting for it’s arrival. The day came. I hurriedly took
the brown envelope to the basement and torn it open, and wide-eyed
reveled in the photos and the instructions. My mother knew something
as up, came down into the basement, and quickly told me to “throw
that trash out. Bodybuilders are queers!”

We either conform, or we are ‘less than’ any other. Yet, by burying who we are, we find only shame. Shame is born and fed over and over within us for who we are! We start to tell ourselves, consciously or unconsciously, that we are unacceptable as we are. No matter how much we try, we have this poisonous feeling of being unloveable. So, as men, we hide our true feelings, our true passions, our vulnerability, our true essence from public view. We even hide it from ourselves. The world is not a safe place to reveal ourselves. The world around us is not perceived as ‘friendly’ or hospitable to who we are, so we must wear a ‘mask’ in order to receive acceptance, validation, affirmation, love. Otherwise, we could not survive. Or, we just give up and become ‘loners’. We hibernate. Depression often accompanies such hiding of who we are.

When I worked in the addictions field, too many men (and women) were there in treatment because of their self-loathing, self-recrimination, and self-hatred because we/they were found wanting by the world around them. We just didn’t fit in, and the way to numb that feeling of unworthliness, unloveability, was to get drunk or get high or have sex as often and with as many as we could, so we could experience some semblance of ‘normality’ in an abnormal world, some feeling of being loved and embraced as acceptable.

Getting sober and clean was just the beginning of “sobriety”. As in life itself we have to face the stuff that created the ‘shame’ we are holding within us. Otherwise, we may be dry or clean of other drugs, but not self-loving, and we would simply keep acting ‘insane’ expecting different results. The chemical of choice was out of our system, but our inaccurate beliefs still had a viser’s grip on us and were deeply embedded in our bodies. We have a psychosomatic dis-ease.

The way boys are trained in acknowledging their sexuality is itself often shaming. What size penis do you have? How many men or women have you laid? Are you shaped in an acceptable way with muscles in all the appropriate places? Do you have a bubble butt? Do you have foreskin or not? Do you wear the “right” clothes in the “right” ways? Are you aggressive? Do you have a high paying job? What kind of “work” do you do? How many friends do you have? Do you talk, walk, and act “like a man”? Are you “straight-acting” enough to pass as just like any other “normal” boy or man? Damn! Bullying is a most debilitating form of shaming, often exhibited in schools, but not limited to them by any means.

We even deny ourselves a full body orgasm because we have to be quiet and quick, and bury our orgasm into our pelvis, and think this is the “normal” way. “I don’t make sounds.” “I’m quiet.” “Roar when I cum? Hell no!” We lack the voice to give expression, not only to our personal needs as men, but to enjoying our own sexual, bodily pleasures.

The shame cycle just keeps growing deeper and deeper till we either burst out of it or get buried under it.

In our culture we are shamed if we are not ‘successful’ aka wealthy, if we are not ‘self-sufficient and independent’, and if we are not ‘popular and fit-in with our peers’. Doable? I think not for the vast majority of us.

In college I fell in love with a classmate. We would have secret, sweaty sex and I so enjoyed our orgasms and smelling our cum on our bodies. One day he announced that he was moving away. I was heart broken. But, he added to his announcement that he only had sex with me because he knew I enjoyed it. I felt humiliated, betrayed, shameful.

So what do we do with shame? “We must honor it, and thereby redeem it.”

Shame is an ‘imposed emotion’ and becomes frozen in our bodies (trauma). It is not natural to us. It is something we learn from others, not ourselves. It is an emotion that is passed onto us by parents, teachers, and other authority figures, and then from peer to peer, relationship to relationship. If we are vulnerable and are betrayed because of it, shame is born or re-birthed, and a cycle can take hold where we are ashamed of being ashamed. We must begin with ourselves to eliminate, expunge, and release shame. It is, from my perspective, an issue of being hospitable toward one’s self and others like me, Gay.

Honoring Shame

Intellectually and emotionally we become self-aware! We learn to recognize it when it rears it’s ugly head. We acknowledge it when it appears, and keep loosening its grip on us by learning to speak about ourselves in loving ways, and actually doing so. We speak up for ourselves and create healthy boundaries in relationship with others. We learn to do self-loving activities and hold self-loving beliefs. We name shame as shame when it occurs, and send it back to the source, either that old “tape” in our heads and/or to the one dishing it out. Not by shaming ourselves or others, but by releasing it, speaking and acting counter to it, letting it go, and recreating a new believe system, and surrounding ourselves with affirming others. And, we learn that others who want to shame us are the ones with just as much or more shame than us. I suspect that the source of homophobia and sexism is shame.

We learn to give voice to our needs, no matter what they are, and seek healthy ways of getting those needs met. Some of these needs are “frozen” and may never be adequately met by anyone but ourselves via grief. After all, if we are to be excellent lovers, authentic to who we are, then we must be the best lover to ourselves first. What we do is develop a strong, healthy sense of Self, and acknowledge and know that we are lovable.

In my coaching practice I guide men into breathing into their bodies, fully, not swallowly, but into their bellies, not simply into their chests. By simply learning to breathe consistently, we relax sufficiently to become aware of the emotions that are currently flowing through out bodies. These emotions often have their source in the past, and our memories subconsciously activate the emotions, for example, the emotion of shame. If someone treats us in a manner that is reminicent of how someone had treated us in the past, we will tend to relive the emotions of that scene. When we are aware of the source, we can address it by releasing it. Breathing allows our bodies to relax sufficiently to allow emotions to arise and give themselves expression (release).

This is not to say that we relive the ‘trauma’ of being shamed. It is to say we become self-aware around the source and the patterning of belief(s) that have been implanted within us due that shaming behavior of the past.

Breathing fully into the abdomen is crucial to the release of shame. Learning how to breathe this way is natural and can be a challenge for many of us, particularly as men for we have been trained to simply breathe into our chest.

Focusing on what emotions come up as we calmly breath into our bellies provides us a deeper self-awareness of what it is that we want and/or need to address. Then, addressing them, learning how to “pendulate” between the enjoyable ones and shameful ones, and allowing the body to release the shameful by shuddering, crying, laughing, roaring, yawning, shaking. This is the energetic release of the emotions that have been held stuck in our bodies, and provides the ‘space’ to recreate a new patterning that is more authentic to us, with who we really are, not as the person who we were expected to be by the former shaming routine imposed on us by others.

Beliefs can make us or break us, cause shame or pride, electrify or deaden us. When we become aware of the beliefs which feed the shaming cycle, we can release them! We can interrupt them, change them, and replace the impact of ‘that voice’ with a tenderness that deepens our self-respect and self-acceptance, and become more attuned with what beliefs can support authenticating ourselves. We are worthy of existence. We are worthy of self- love and the love of others. We are worthy of respecting ourselves and receiving the respect of others.

The process I practice is based on the experience of Wilhelm Reich, Eugene Gendlin, Peter A. Levine.

If you are interested in addressing the shame you hold within your body and want to release it safely and thoroughly, contact me at redhawk1947@gmail.com.

Singularly unique and separate, cherished for who you are and want to be,
dynamic and sensual in each your own sway, furry and smooth, limber and puffing,
moaning and groaning, blushing and welting, yet cherished for who is you and will become.

It’s neither this nor that, but or yet, likewise or any string of whatifs and thats.
It’s what it is between us and may become,
an adventure of unfolding, mirror gazing, swapping, and enjoying what is.

This one thing known clearly, and bluntly stated, I am not single,
but coupled and trifolded, and foursquared to a two step with each,
to the beat of the drums we hear, to the salsa and so sassy, to the rumbha and randy,
to a different dance and sound, to a tune that you and I hear alone and between,
from the outside in, and inside out.

Who knows what matter may erupt as dry or humorous, as wet or sad, as yawning or howling,
it matters now to the two or three who companion on this path,
into darkness, into light, into dewiness, into desert sands,
the path we share is the path of now.
Who dares say I am single, let alone alone.

For it is alone who we are, mindful of any illusion of connectedness,
bonding or sweaty partnering,
mindful of the depth of reality between two and three and whatnot number it may be.

Whether on hunt or shyly seeking, entering cave or flat, on table or bed, in lips to lips, frottage, or a coital coupling, or hug belly to belly, in tears or laughter, it is each his own alone he brings to us.

Tho’ single this night, I be not alone or mismatched or in a higher realm,
but here and now with men2men friends.
Who dare question what might become as dawn returns and day resumes,
for no straight line is for us,
wiggle and flowing,
twisted and turning,
we stand alone and together this night of Valentine embrace.

The above are some of the major symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Not everyone who experiences these symptoms has PTSD, but holding stress chronically within our bodies can produce such symptoms. Each symptom can be indicative of stress and not necessarily indiciative of PTSD. A combination of these symptoms, however, is a recipe for dis-ease in our lives.

Given the atmosphere in which many gay men have been raised, it is no surprise that we may demonstrate such symptoms. In our youth gay men often ‘hide’ for a number of years before “coming out”, fearful of being “found out”, fear of being harmed by ridicule, rejection, abandonment, and bullying. We often have learned to be “hypervigilant” about our surroundings, people’s responses and reactions to us, and what we say or do that may reveal our sexual orientation. Given the fact that many gay children are the objects of bullying by peers and authority figures, it is no wonder that we may become hypervigilant and subject to mood swings or find ourselves excessively shy or excessively active (“the perfect boy” in academics and/or sports), bordering on hyperactivity. Many of us have used avoidance behaviors as a way to protect ourselves, e.g. use of alcohol and other drugs, indiscriminant sex. How many of us have not experienced chronic depression, and considered the possiblity of suicide?

We may take everything that is said to us as potential fodder for humilitation and rejection. We may become anxious and fearful around establishing emotional bonds with other men because of a fear of rejection. We may become excessively shy, avoid making emotional commitments, become hyper sexual. We may also become numb to sex entirely, and not just numb to our bodily sensations in general. We can become “rigid’ in holding our emotions, our bodies, our beliefs, and our attitudes toward others. Lastly, we may be so “stressed out” by shame, armoring ourselves, and come to believe that “the best defense is a good offense.” Hence, sarcasm and ‘bitchiness’. We may fear commitment so much that we shy away from anyone who says “I love you” or become super efficient as “care takers” resulting in being abused and used by others, taken advantaged of, and subsquently “dumped”.

Or, we become “gym rats” and hyper “straight-acting”, armoring our bodies and minds as much as we can to deflect anyone getting emotionally close to us. We create the illusion of machismo. We become hyper about being seen as vulnerable in any way, shape, or form. Why? Because we have been taught that to be vulnerable is to open ourselves to harm and perhaps death. Some, if not many of us, change who we are so that we are found acceptable, either to other gay men or to the straight world. We may seek to prove our worth by climbing the corporate ladder, find the most desireable man as a boyfriend or partner, accrue money and prestige. We fundamentally experience ourselves as unloveable for simply who we are. We find ourselves having to give proof of our worthiness to exist.

Is it any surprise that many gay men face such symptoms, or that it is a struggle not to get stuck in them? Finding safety to explore these layered issues can be difficult, even within a therapist’s office, let alone in one’s family of origin, or even within the so-called “gay community” where intolerance for anyone different from the majority is common.

How can a man resolve these ‘symptoms’, these patterns that have become so ingrained in me? How do I address them effectively and shed them?

We can engage in a variety of methods by using such approaches as those suggested by Peter A. Levine (expert on trauma), Co-Counseling techniques and theory, Hypnotherapy and NeuroLinguistic Programming, Zen Meditation, and Tantra bodywork. A man can “discharge” or “release” emotional armoring effectively and thoroughly, and experience his natural self, using such methods or a combination of them. “Body sensations, rather than intense emotion, are the key to healing trauma.” (Peter A. Levin, Healing Trauma, pg 38) Providing a safe environment to allow for bodily discharge and release is essential, thus reclaiming my birthright to live fully in my body.

Trauma and stress are cellular based. That is to say that trauma and stress are held within our bodies. Safety is provided best in the presence of another person. The presence of a competent other allows us to feel safe so that we may better give ourselves permission to make this ‘inner journey’ into the unknown within our bodies, and become free of the trauma or stress, becoming more fully ‘self-aware’.

Safety is about setting boundaries. This is how Peter A. Levin states it so succinctly and clearly:

“Before trauma, you are not overwhelmed by your feelings. After trauma,
feelings can be completely overwhelming.

“When you have been traumatized, you’re often unable to feel your own
physical boundaries, because of disconnection from your body. This can
have an impact in other areas of life, such as setting boundaries in relationships,
because it’s impossible to set limits if you have no sense of your own boundaries.
Rebuilding connection is really the key…because trauma is about loss of
connection, first to the body and self, and second to others and the environment.

“The body is the container of all of our sensation and feelings. It is also the
boundary separating us from our environment and from others. This boundary
gets ruptured in trauma so that we often feel raw and unprotected. Skin is our
first line of defense. Then our muscles give us the sense of an ego-boundary
between self and other.”

It is that “rupture” that needs to be repaired and healed so that a person can feel safe and more intact, more whole, alive, and in charge of his life.

Following certain exercises that Levine has gleaned and created from zen and other sources, such as Eugene Gendlin’s body-centered “felt sense” approach, can enable a man to reclaim his life holistically. The techniques include breathwork, self-touch, grounding and centering, using sounds such as ‘vum’ and ‘ah’, dialogue around beliefs, the safe touch by one’s self and eventually by another, and gaining a greater depth of self-awareness. The discharge and release comes when the body shudders, gives its own voice to the release (use of our vocal cords), even uninterrupted yawning, laughter, or crying. Building up personal resiliency is the result, gaining self-awareness and self-worth, developing the skills to set healthy (pliable and assertive) physical and emotional boundaries.

It is this approach that I take in my coaching with men, particularly with men who identify having experienced trauma in their lives. It is the same approach I use with many men who identify an inability to connect deeply with themselves sexually. Our society in which we live is stress inducing, sex-negative, and highly judgmental about masculinity and maleness. Often the way men respond to such a layered bombardment is to armor ourselves against it. However, in armoring ourselves, we simply suppress all that is natural to us, and that certainly is not healthy. It produces dis-ease rather than ease in living authentically.

Often we are ready to pursue such a freeing life when we enter the middle stage of adulthood, around 40 or older. Till then we simply lack the expereince, the ego strength, the willingness to set our own course in life rather than follow the dictates of others or society. It is this time in life that is such a stupendous opportunity to live in self-love and freedom simply “to be me.”

From my experience of reading through slews of profiles on various fetish, kink, and bdsm sites the majority of men focus upon sex, specifically orgasmic sex, and ultimately on ejaculation. Many profiles suggest something more than simply the desire for sex, and some indicate clearly that ejaculating is not the primary goal for “meeting up” but rather for the “power exchange”, e.g. degradation, humiliation, being forced to submit, mummification, pain. There are a few that hint at, not just submission, but surrender, namely physically submitting and emotionally surrendering to the Dominant.

Besides the obvious element of divesting myself of ‘control’ as a submissive, and submit to the control of the Dominant, there can also be the element, perhaps more importantly, of being vulnerable, and if taken further for some, of being emotionally vulnerable. When, I suspect, this element of emotional vulnerability is a major part of the “scene”, then this opens the gateway to self-knowledge, personal transformation, self-discovery. I’m not sure if there are many or few men who want to enter into such a “scene”, for it would take a men, a Dom and a sub, who had a strong enough ego to know what their limits are with a willigness and counrage to ‘guide’ and be ‘guided’ and engaged beyond them.

There is a great deal of bowing to the issue of “safety”, but most often in terms of using a “safe word” by the submissive. The “safe word” can be anything that is agreed upon by the Dom and sub. The issue of trust is dependent on respecting the use of “safe words”, namely honoring them when they are used as opposed to ignoring them. If I do not respect and honor your use of a “safe word”, then we will not be engaging in any “scene” again, and someone might be seriously injured, and not necessarily the sub being the one injured.

It seems to me that too many men find themselves in situations, or place themselves in situations, where there is no “intention” of learning about ourselves, but simply getting our rocks off, getting our adrenaline flowing and sparking, and feeling totally energetically depleted afterward. There is no spoken or conscious “intention” to learn about themselves in order to live a fuller and more enjoyable life.

It is similar, I think, to lusting after a man as opposed to loving a man, or using sex thinking that I will feel emotionally satisfied, not just sexually relieved.

The famous and infamous mythologist, Joseph Campbell, spoke directly to leading a life that integrates what is natural for a man and what lies within his spirit. Speaking about the myth of “The Holy Grail”, he focuses upon the need within us to lead authentic lives.

Finding the Grail is finding the depth of your own authenticity, “that which is attained and realized by people who have lived their own lives. The Grail represents the fulfillment of the highest spiritual potentialities of the human consciousness.”

“The Grail King, for example, was a lovely young man, but he had not earned the position of Grail King. He rode forth from his castle wih the war cry: ‘Amor!’ (Love!) Well, that’s proper for youth, but it doesn’t belong to the guardianship of the Grail. And as he is riding forth, a Muslim, a pagan knight, comes out of the woods. They both level their lances at each other, and they drive at each other. The lance of the Grail King kills the pagan, but the pagan’s lance castrates the Grail King.

“What that means is that the Christian separation of matter and spirit, of the dynamism of life and the realm of the spirit, of natural grace and supernatural grace, has really castrated nature. And the European mind, the European life, has been, as it were, emasculated by this separation. The true spirituality, which would have come from the union of matter and spirit, has been killed. And then what did the pagan represent? He was a person from the suburbs of Eden. He was regarded as a nature man, and on the head of his lance was written the word ‘Grail.’ That is to say, nature intends the Grail. Spiritual life is the bouquet, the perfume, the flowering and fulfillment of a human life, not a supernatural virtue imposed upon it. And so the impulses of nature are what give authenticity to life, not the rules coming from a supernatural authority – that’s the sense of the Grail.

“The Grail becomes symbolic of an authentic life that is lived in terms of its own volition, in terms of its own impulse system, that carries itself between the pairs of opposites of good and evil, light and dark.”

Campbell goes on to elaborate by simply stating that it is in compassion that we find the Grail, the life of authenticity, “suffering with”. (The Power of Myth)

In using bdsm as a pathway toward adulthood and authenticity, the Dom and sub gaze into each other’s eyes and enter into the realm of the Grail, the dynamic interplay between pain and pleasure, “suffering with”, into a realm of tapping into our authenticity as men. A “scene” can be designed to heal wounds, banish old ways of self-imposed regulations, generate a new form of courage (“balls”) that will create new belief patterns about ourselves and others and our world, and so on. Unlike simply fucking, pounding another man’s ass hole, and ‘getting off’, this kind of entrance into bdsm is a ‘sacred’ journey in pursuit of what is authentically me, not the trappings of any leather organization or societal standards.

How does this resonate with you? Have you ever entered into bdsm as through a ‘looking glass’ or ‘a warrior’s adventure’ into self-discovery? If so, what was and is it like for you in living as a sexually alive man?

In the past we are told that boys were taken through rituals by the elders to mark their time into adulthood. Today, we have no clear rituals. Yes, there are the traditional rites of passage, namely graduation ceremonies, marriage ceremonies, career moves, but none of these necessarily demand of us a clear choice to be made to enter adulthood as a man. They are necessities given to us by societal standards and do not necessarily entail life-transformations from within, rather than from without. Men continue to live in the first half of life even though they have enter the second half of life by age. Their spirits remain adolescent and in some cases infantile. The ego remains strong as ever and they continue to believe that it is only using their will power that they will ‘succeed’ aka ‘monetarily succeed’. They put their trust in their egos and not in their inner power of authentically living from their core.

The death rites that we are invited into are life-transforming moments when we have an ‘aha’ experience of who we are and how we matter to ourselves. The death rites (entering thanatos) are the only way to enter into creative vulnerability (entering eros) as adult males. We either choose life from within us or we choose death using the external standards of your childhood.

In childhood the societal standards are important to learn to survive! We are told the rules of safety, disciplined to abide by them, and to utilize them for our benefit, for meeting our basic instincts. The manner in which our parents and authority figures teach us these ‘rules’ will make or break us, too often molding us into their “own image and likeness” with little regard to the innate beauty and passions we hold as children. We are taught to conform, to fit in, otherwise we will be found wanting and unacceptable. The ego is strengthened in ways that fit the societal standards. Whether we survive this ‘training’ and ‘initiation’ into young aduldhood is tentative. Many of us, if no tmost, do not survive it without much scarring. Some of choose suicide, emotional, if not physical suicide. We are ‘bullied’ into conforming.

However, for us who survive this ‘boot camp’ and live into the age of adulthood, we are presented yet another series of life choices. When we reach the age of 40 or beyond, we are presented with living true to ourselves or continuing to life with these restrictions around who we are as men. Many of us, I suspect, get side-tracked in trying our best not to face this choice. We delve into sexual exploits, career competition, and a myriad of ways to ‘hide’ from making this choice. Our fear of the unknown often gets the best of us. We become paralyzed by our fear of moving out of our ‘comfort zone’ into the territory of the unknown. We fear letting go of ‘control’, or fear being overwhelmed, or fear losing the relationships we have striven so hard to form, or fear of losing the image we have created of ourselves.

Some of us may even fear the safety that others invite us to experience in simply being ourselves. We run, freeze, or fight it all the way! We don’t change, and therefore, never enter into the fullness of our adulthood.

We no longer have authority telling us “it’s time” by using an external ritual of passage. We have none in this Western culture of ours. We have no ‘vision quest’ time being offered to us by our elders. We have no rites of passage that invite us to go into the darkness of the unknown realizing that there is an exit to that darkness, but we must enter it if we are to grow into our fullness. Too often we are told not to bother by our peers and societal ‘elders’.

If we do not read about the mythos of old, or the possibities of expansion, gaining outside information from elders who have lived their truth, and only take in the information of our social media organizations (e.g. Facebook, Hollywood movies, video games, advertisements, sex clubs/organizations, etc), or discover a ‘circle of men’ who have committed themselves to learn how best to live in integrity, then we are really ‘stuck’ or riding up the proverbial creek without a paddle.

Personally, I have searched long and hard to join such a men’s group, investigating such gatherings as Radical Faeires, Black Leather Wings, Mankind Project, Billy Club, and others, and found all to be lacking the focus on self-growth with other men that I desire in my life. So, I’ve formed my own ‘circle’ with an eye to eventually opening a Men’s Center where men can explore our sexuality, our belief patterns, the living of our passions in ways that will serve us best respecting that center of ourselves that is the core substance of who we are as unique individuals.

We know we are capable of loving, although some of us seriously question our ability at times. We come to a moment in our lives of choicing between allowing ourselves the continued bewilderment of not being loved for who we are and giving ourselves permission to love ourselves … for who we were, are, and are becoming or wish to be. It is in that final choice of giving ourselves permission that makes all the difference in the world between living in authenticity and simply fitting someone else’s mold.

I can see the fear written on the face of others when I tell them how attractive they look, how engaging their personality is, how I’m at a quandry why they are single. There have even been men who told me that they fear such affirmations. They don’t trust them. There is even a glint of fear in my own eyes when I look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I love myself. If it fear or is it shame? Is it that I feel like a fraud for I know all my dark, dirty little secrets of not measuring up to the standards I set for myself or that others have set for me? Or is it that I have had too many experiences of people telling me of their undying love for me only to have them disappear, either subtly or with bombastic rejection?

But given that the response to these question is probably “yes” to all of them, I recognize that the sum of my parts is greater than the individual pieces, and at times there is true alignment with them all, whereas other times I’m split into gigsaw puzzle pieces, to be tweaked, sculpted into a new whole…over and over during the various stages of my checkered life.

What I have come to believe with a solidity beyond doubt is that I love myself. Just how deeply do I love myself? And can I sustain this love in nurturing ways that will bring forth a beautifully sensual man who oozes self-love that attracts the self-love of others? These are questions that perhaps have affirmative replies if and ony if I remind myself to nurture that self-love in ways that will bear fruit.

In my musing around the belly of male sexuality, it has occurred to me that many a man does not love himself in ways that will bring forth the core beauty of himself. For the fear we hold of recrimination and rejection is way too strong and intimidating to be so vulnerable. Whateve color and ethnicity into which we were born and raised, the issues remain the same with regard to self-esteem. Do I love myself well enough, consistently enough, to live an authentic life, no matter what the consequences, even with the prospect of living my life alone, namely unpartnered in the ‘traditional’ sense of being in a single loving relationship with another man. Is it sufficient for me to have loving friends, which means loyal friends?

This is no new question for either hetero or homo, or bisexual men! We seek monogamony as if it were instinctual and the key to being ‘whole’, ‘complete’, when in fact monogamony has rarely worked well, like celibacy, for any man. There are two issues here for me. One is that any relationship will not make me whole. I can only do that for myself with the support and affirming love of otheres. The second issue is that monogamy is not the ideal for most men, though we are trained from childhood into adulthood that it is the only ‘true’ way of demonstrating our love for another. This has been so inculcated within us that, when we do encounter an ‘open relationship’ or finding out that our partner has an an ‘affair’, we take it personally and make judgments that are groundless. We do not have to judge the quality of our love for another on whether or not they are monogamouse with us. We may want to set health standards in place, agreements about trust and communication, but we do not have to set sex as the standard to live by or live up to.

If two people are committed to one another, trust one another, ‘work’ on nurturing that mutual love as independent individuals, then having some or all of our sexual needs fulfilled outside of a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean that I love my partner less or not enough. We equate sex with intimacy, and that is so much an illusion.

Happiness is not to be found in sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is simply one among a hundred ways of expressing different forms of love and commitment. If sexual pleasure is lacking in our relationship, it does not equate that there is no satisfying and sensual love there. Happiness is to be found in being vulnerable and finding acceptance in our vulnerability with another, whether we fuck each other or not.

The issue, I believe, is that when two men no longer have sex with each other, it too oftens seems to be the result of the lack of an emotional bond between the two. The relationship has deteriorated into routine rather than being nourished with sensual reciprocity, undivided attention when together. It has deteriorated into chit chat, facts, and exterior living. It is not from the inside out.

Living enmeshed with nother is no free life at all. We lose our identity in each other. Too many men seem to ‘nest’ and drift away from friends, outside activities that engage us, and we wind up in relationships that become ‘soulless’ and simply pro-forma, rather than ever changing and nourishing relationships. How many men in relationships for 10, 15, 25 years find themselves adrift if their partner leaves them or dies? They are lost because there has not been ‘diversity’ in their relationships. There have not been continual methods of self-nourishment as individuals to sustain them in crsis, such as separation or death. They have yet to learn how to stand on their own two feet in love with themselves. Each man allowing the other to blossom and supporting each other in that ever dynamic adventure of self-realization.

Each and everyone of us needs to be seen, heard, recognized, affirmed for our uniqueness as well as potential. It’s high time we set ourselves on a path that will affirm our common bonds, but will simultaneously affirm us in being true to ourselves, our passions, our hopes, and our ability to love ourselves!

These are my personal musings. What are yours?

It is in our breathing that we, not only are able to live, but to live fully. From our teenage years men are trained to breathe shallowly. Push out your chest, shoulders back, stomach in…form those six pack abs and be a man. So, we breathe into our chests and live a rigid life. If we follow our the way of breathing naturally, we breathe into our stomachs, not holding the belly in, but letting it fill up with air so that our lungs receive a fullness of oxygen. If we breathe this way daily and routinely, as we had as an infant, we become ever more aware and able to interact with our environment. Breathing in this way we become vulnerable to our emotions. We become able to sense our emotions and allow them to rise up and be expressed with confidence.

Giving Voice

When we do sense our emotions, which we more often than not were not allow to express in our teenage years, then we have a choice to either express them or continue to hide them. If we decide to express them outloud we will hear ourselves more fully, be able to express ourselves with clarity and strength, be able to listen to ourselves and do the corrections or adaptations we need to have our needs met in alignment with who we are.

Too many men remain silent. We fear expressing our pleasures, our needs, our wants, our desires. We attempt to adopt the ‘John Wayne’ posture of manhood which is a very disillusioned version of what it means to be a man, let alone of what it means to be a human being. For example, how many men remain rigidly silent during orgasm? How many men have never heard themselves really enjoy the pleasures of their body? How many men only experience a pelvic orgasm and have never experienced a full body orgasm alone or with a partner? How many men can give pleasure, but resist being given pleasure? Or, are so controlling that they never let go enough to show themselves for who they are?
If we breathe into our emotions, giving ourselves permission to sense and feel what is happening within us, we become more confident and clear in knowing what we want and need in our lives, and gain the skills to attain their fulfillment. This is all about giving ourselves permission to speak our own truth and being heard.

Moving

Moving within the world, easily and in a relaxed manner, adds to the confidence building process to being seen, heard, and enjoyed, primarily by ourselves, and secondarily by others who see in us a man who is authentically himself. Have you ever seen yourself walk, or have sex, or engage with other people? Do you walk rigidly or relaxed? Are you relaxed when you speak with others giving full attention to the other man? Do you find yourself holding your breath and remaining silent or hiding your true feelings by being bombastic or aggressive or silent? Do people too often have to ask you to speak up, or explain what you mean, or repeat what you just said? Are you comfortable in your own skin? At what level is your self-confidence as you live in your world?

Conclusion

The foundation for experiencing intimacy in our lives, particularly as men, begins with curiosity about ourselves and others, which leads to exploring self-awareness. When we then breathe, give voice, and move with confidence in our environment. These elements are the first ingredients toward giving and receiving intimacy. This, of course, is a non-linear process, a cycle of dipping in and pulling out, over and over and over. The cycle builds within us strength to be ourselves.

Now the adventure is to discover others who are just as able and willing to do the same for themselves, men who want to be authentic to the man they are, to love themselves so deeply that change is inevitable and welcomed every day of their lives, that self-awareness is not to fear, but something to relish and seek after. Intimacy is available to us all if we but are willing to step forward in our own bodies to tell our story clearly, with confidence, with self-love!

Thank you.